Becoming Restoried Reflections
#12 | Wolves
My back deck overlooks a strip of forest between our backyard and the people who live behind us. On fall mornings, when both the moon and sun are visible in the foggy, periwinkle sky, it’s a sublime spot to be still, stretch, meditate, read, or write. The air is rich with petrichor, yet to be choked with car exhaust, and the squirrels perform extreme sports across the lawn, deck banisters, and bowed branches before anyone revs up their growling lawnmowers. I close my eyes and open my ears to tiny paws from my mat, hands cupped around steaming coffee. I take a sip, and it warms the waterslide from my throat to my stomach. The coffee joins a melting pot of frothing feelings — none of which are calm.
Recently, Michael shared a Cherokee story with us. In brief, a grandfather shares with his grandson that there is a battle between two wolves within each of us — one evil/dark and one good/light. When the grandson asks which wolf wins, the grandfather replies, “The one you feed.”
Of course, good/light and evil/dark could represent anything, and as with any binary, the bifurcation is confining and deficient. But it is true that what you feed grows.
The key, which Michael reinforced, is the question: are you feeding your mind, body, and soul? And further, what are you feeding them?
As we walked through a few worksheets, I noticed that I’m intentional about what I feed these pillars. I’m incredibly grateful for the privilege to craft healthy mind, body, and soul habits around and within me. But then, why is there so much discomfort in their execution, such as how I felt on my mat, immersed in a utopic postcard? My mind wandered back to the wolves. I felt that there might be two slightly different ones wrestling inside me:
There is a wolf that I feed to engage in my work: writing about complex, often painful, trauma-related topics such as suicide. This wolf is never violent, but it’s never full. I feed it time and space to venture into the feelings needed to write.
I feed a second wolf to cope with the hunger of the first wolf. This wolf is fed with my mind, body, and soul habits. However, the only job I assign to it is distracting the first wolf from hunger.
Even though I may be feeding the second wolf wonderful things, it feels as though they’re ground up in a blender and ingested via a feeding tube — I don’t actually feel and/or experience them fully because I’m using them to curb the anxiety, depression, and insomnia that arise as a result of the first wolf’s insatiable hunger.
What would it mean to do these things because I enjoy them, rather than strictly because they keep something else at bay?
I watched a TED Talk the other day, and a quote from it hasn’t left me: “Love is what happens when we stop trying to figure out who deserves it.” My wolves aren’t in opposition — neither should win and both need to grow. One barks, “Never stop fighting because time isn’t promised” while the other howls, “Rest, grounding, and joy are critical.” They need each other, symbiotically. However, though the battle won’t be won without rest, grounding, and joy, these need not always be in service of a battle (coping, recovery, etc.).
Perhaps it’s my guidance to the wolves that’s flawed.
Could I feed the second wolf so that it can just be?
Great question. The short answer is: I don’t know and it’s easier said than done. One of my favourite authors, Jedidiah Jenkins, believes that when asked a question, we always have a response but rarely an answer. So perhaps I’ll leave it here, with an acute awareness of this dynamic. I don’t have a clear interpretation for myself or anyone, but I have a sense of direction:
Try to be as present as I can be when feeding and instructing the second wolf. I believe there is a difference between feeding it to support the first wolf and feeding it to experience joy for the sake of it — something to look forward to rather than a coping mechanism. Perhaps if the second wolf truly experiences joy and peace, then it will be better able to support the first wolf, enabling steady growth for both wolves.
Be aware of guilt in feeding the second wolf (guilt re: my privileges).
Remember that “Caring for myself is not self-indulgence, it is self-preservation and that is an act of political warfare” (Audre Lorde) as I engage in my work.
Thank you so much for reading. More to come. :)
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